From Adversity to Leadership: A Journey to Rabbinical School

A Transformative Journey

Last Rosh Hashanah felt markedly different for me compared to the years prior. Traditionally, it’s a time filled with the familiar activities: attending synagogue, enjoying festive meals, and engaging in reflective practices with family. However, I found myself in the aftermath of a double mastectomy, grappling with the physical and emotional impacts of cancer. This significant life event altered the fabric of my holiday experience, challenging both my body and spirit in ways I had never anticipated.

Confronting Reality

Not only was I recovering from surgery, but I was also navigating the implications of my diagnosis. As a professor of counseling psychology, I had devoted my career to teaching resilience and coping strategies to future counselors. Yet, when cancer struck unexpectedly just before my 40th birthday, the theoretical knowledge I had accumulated did little to ease the overwhelming fear that accompanied my diagnosis. That disconnect was jarring—I had spent years advising others to confront their fears, and now I was forced to face mine alone.

Throughout my treatment, which included multiple medical interventions such as chemotherapy and radiation, I adhered to a mindset focused on practicality. I meticulously tracked appointments, gleaning as much information as I could, taking one step at a time. It felt right to control what I could when everything else seemed chaotic. During this process, people often remarked on my bravery, a label I struggled to embrace. Instead, I was simply doing what was necessary to survive. In many ways, survival mode stripped away distractions; I was no longer overwhelmed by the minutiae of daily life.

Revisiting Aspirations

As the dust settled post-treatment, I realized my life had irrevocably changed. My perception of time shifted dramatically, prompting me to reconsider unfulfilled ambitions that I had relegated to “someday.” A visceral connection to my Jewish identity emerged, compelling me to engage more meaningfully with my faith. Rather than viewing religious practices as obligations, they transformed into a source of spiritual nourishment. My desire to read from the Torah became a personal mission. This wasn’t simply about tradition; it was about reclaiming my identity amidst uncertainty.

Reflecting on Hillel’s timeless question, “If not now, when?”, I felt a renewed urgency to take action. Following my initial health crisis, I traveled to Israel, where the seeds of my spiritual journey were sown. One might argue that such a pilgrimage isn’t just geographic; it’s deeply existential, providing insights that are often missed in ordinary life. Shortly thereafter, I celebrated my adult bat mitzvah and delved deeper into the study of Torah, a pursuit that ultimately guided me to rabbinical school. This was more than a career shift; it was my rebirth, a deeper calling to serve my community rooted in personal transformation and connectedness.

A Midlife Awakening

This transitional phase in life is fascinating, especially as I connect with peers in their 40s, each navigating unique challenges and milestones—ranging from raising children to reinventing careers or personal lives. Contrary to the expected linear path, midlife appears more like a tapestry woven from varied experiences and journeys. Each thread represents lessons learned, setbacks overcome, and dreams reimagined, creating a vivid mosaic that defines our identities. The midlife experience often defies societal norms; it's messy, intricate, and deeply personal.

Jewish tradition offers comfort in this complexity. The Talmud’s wisdom states, "At forty, one attains understanding." It suggests that reaching this age is not a finale; instead, it marks the beginning of deeper comprehension. What does understanding mean at this stage? To me, it’s about integrating experiences—embracing both joy and sorrow, triumph and loss. This resonates with me as I embark on my journey in the rabbinical world at 44, feeling neither as though I am starting anew nor losing my previous identities. Instead, I carry those identities with me, honoring every piece of myself as I step into this new chapter.

Bearing Witness to Growth

As I prepare for ordination, I embrace all the unique aspects of myself—the psychologist, professor, wife, mother, and cancer survivor—all are integral to my evolving narrative. My story is a collection of chapters interweaving with life's unpredictability and the constant search for meaning. In Hebrew, the word “teshuvah,” often interpreted as repentance, literally means “return.” This resonates profoundly; it suggests that reconnection with one’s true self can occur without completely shedding the past. It signifies the notion that growth often involves revisiting roots while allowing new branches to flourish.

This Rosh Hashanah, when I hear the shofar, my thoughts will gracefully bridge time. I'll reflect on the woman who was healing last year while simultaneously acknowledging the child who nurtured a love for Torah long before stepping into this new role. I no longer ponder whether I am becoming the person I was meant to be. Instead, as we enter the year 5787, a more intriguing question emerges: Who am I still becoming? This is the essence of the human experience—the perpetual evolution, the search for purpose amid the cycles of life.

Implications for Personal Growth

As I navigate my personal and spiritual transformations, there’s a broader reflection at play. This experience emphasizes that significant life events—whether they be health crises or other challenges—can pivot us toward deeper self-discovery. If you're working in this space, consider how moments of upheaval might spark opportunities for growth and reinvention. In many ways, these turning points force us to confront our priorities, reshaping our aspirations and identity.

This notion isn't restricted to personal journeys; it resonates within professional landscapes. As many people face similar crossroads, the question arises: How can we structure our lives to embrace change instead of resist it? The answer often lies in the willingness to engage with our vulnerabilities and uncertainties. Whether through spiritual practices, therapy, or community connection, there are pathways available for those ready to explore their own journeys. What may initially feel like a setback can often be the catalyst for transformation, revealing insights that change our perspective forever.

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